The lesbian's wardrobe

I will now carry on my moaning
describing lesbian style clothing.
But, firstly I should note the truth
that style depends on age (or youth)
and also varies ‘cross the forms
and types that lesbianism spawns.
Though, saying that, it’s also true,
that some attire all do have too.
E.g. all love accessories,
and some even adorn triblies.
And more than one hundred percent
of lesbians do supplement
their wardrobe with a chequered shirt
(but fewer do possess a skirt).
And most avoid the high-heeled shoe,
(trainers instead many accrue).

Now, it’s far, far, from pedestrian,
the clothing of a lesbian.
I say 'cos many dress eccentric,
and love their haircuts asymmetric.

The following are paradigms,
of things that serve as surest signs
that lesbians are in your presence
(in other terms are ‘lez-quintessence’.)
Look out for: hats, thumb rings, and braces,
tattoos in several body places,
leather jackets, baggy jeans-
(like boys would wear when in their teens),
not to mention dungarees
(with crotches hanging by the knees).
Aviators, Birkenstocks,
Adidas flip-flops worn with socks.
Board-shorts in the summer time,
but vest tops whatever the time.
Chunky jewellery, boxer shorts,
kinds of clothes you’d wear for sports,
including sports bras, and sweat bands,
(a likely purchase from TOPMAN).

But for others much less sporty,
‘Denim on demin’ might be their forte.
Baggy hats, hoodies plenty,
(some even own more than twenty).
And many wear ill-fitting jeans,
others look just like marines.
Ties and waistcoats, undercuts,
T-shirts (with the sleeves cut off).

(But here we’ll take an interlude,
to mention something very rude:
girls who are not even gay
the undercut trend do display.
Which usually does throw off course
the gaydar’s normally strong force.
Oh what abuse, oh what abuse!
It’s now much harder to deduce
a gay from straight, a straight from gay,
Gaydars are all in disarray!)

Now, as I mentioned previous,
not all are homogeneous.
Since there are many types of lez
(or so the Sapphic rule-book says).

‘Baby-dykes’, these are one sample,
which we can use as an example.
This breed is known for baseball caps,
and wearing often chino slacks,
wife-beaters and polo-shirts,
trainers (usually converse).
And always wear their collars up
(so you’ll spot them in a bar or club).

Others are more ‘traditional’
and prefer being more practical.
Walking boots they’re known to wear,
and often do have shorter hair.
Raincoats and t-shirts made for men,
Flat caps they might wear now and then.

T-shirt and blazer combinations
are worn on regular occasions
by the lesbians more ‘classy’
who are much more fashion savvy.
(An oxymoron this might sound
given issues I have talked around.)

Other attire lezzies display
results when they try to portray
favourite of their tv stars:
the ‘Lip Service’ and ‘L Word’ cast.
Some wear big headphones – a la Frankie,
(for an unknown modus operandi).
Others go braless – a la Shane,
and do their hair to be the same. 

But some at whom I most despair
will only fashion labels wear
and so one day they did command it
that all lez clothes be ‘superdry’ branded.

And so to you I have bestowed
knowledge of the lez dress code.
Which is so surely avante-garde,
it's impossible to disregard.

 Go forth and use it wisely

The crazy world of lez-dysfunction

“Should I engage in something Sapphic?”
I’ll answer ‘no!’ in form emphatic!
And tell you why, in comic verse,
lesbianity’s a curse.

It’s virtues don’t exceed its vices,
lady-love ends always in crisis.
So, for its elements adverse,
against it I do coerce.

Details, details, you want to know?
I’ll tell it to you. (Quid pro quo?)
Firstly:
Prepare for things to get complex,
‘cos your best friend will fuck your ex.
Who will in turn, most probably,
another friend’s ex girlfriend be.
Who herself is likely ‘well acquainted’
with friends (and will not be untainted).
So, to many, it’s a concern,
that no stone does remain unturned,
when it comes to ladies gay
(who with other ladies lay).
But others yet are bothered not,
and this strategy adopt:
They manage conscience to suppress,
and proceed at once to dispossess,
their bezzie friend of their own partner,
which always causes lezzie-drama.
But others much more tactfully,
adopt a different strategy.
And, when they have fucked all their friends,
and can’t be arsed to make amends,
they turn at once to pastures new
when there’s no lez left for them to ‘do’!
‘Turn’ is the operative word,
for this stratagem absurd.
Since, the lez in question does proceed
to ladies more likely to breed.
(Call them ‘straight girls’, if you like;
quite the opposite of ‘dyke’).
And so turns a straight into a gay!
Which some consider is foul-play,
but others yet think is fair game
and proceed at once to do the same.
So the pool of lesbians does grow
but never does it overflow.
It just gets ever dark and murky,
as lezzies mix in waters dirty.
More links than in spaghetti junction:
the crazy world of lez-dysfunction.

Let the bloggings commence!

After clogging up everybody's facebook pages by tagging them in my poems, I was told enough was enough, and I should make a blog. Therefore, since I always do as I'm told, I did. I'll post all my poems to here. I hope you'll find them amusing. I always make sure my poems are (a) comical and (b) rhyme (none of that 'open-verse' shenanigans). The poems fall into two genres: (1) the utter nonsense kind, a la Lear, and (2) the philosophical kind (of which, bar one of my favorite ancient Greek's - Parmenides - I do not know any other contributors).

Yours whimsically,

Twinny